Dissecting ESPN's Scouts Inc. NFL Rankings By Position: The Quarterbacks

Well ladies, gents, and assholes of all kinds, welcome to my inaugural post on this blog. Those who know me know that I can go off on profound diatribes on a cornucopia of topics, especially sports. I often find myself spewing unsolicited vitriol on members of the sporting community, be it team, player, owner, network, coach…well, you get the picture. But I digress; today I’m going to begin my lengthy assessment on the Scouts Inc. 2009 NFL Player Rankings on ESPN…and the breadth of bullshit that comes along.

Each day, I'm going to give a rundown of the top 10 players at a specific position as listed on ESPN (Note: You must be an insider to see Grades and "official" scouting reports, but the rankings are free), and then where the Bears players happen to be ranked. Let the fun begin!

(Grades in () )

1.Tom Brady (94): I actually don't have a problem with this. Although, you never know how someone will perform after spending 99.8% of last season on IR.

2. Peyton Manning (93): I can't disagree with this one either, although after having to endure Colts fans for four years in Bloomington, part of me hopes that the 6'5" QB with a Laser/Rocket arm suffers a career ending injury so I can bask in schadenfreude of cosmic proportions.

3. Ben Roethlisberger (92): The guy has won 2 Super Bowls in only a few seasons in the league, can't argue with that production. Also, if Coach Hep liked him, he must be good people...even if it does look as though he rides the short bus to and fro Heinz Field (as evidenced by the image below)

4. Drew Brees (89): This guy has done wonders for a few of my fantasy teams over the past few years. I think it's a travesty that (from what I've seen) more people associate the Saints with Reggie Bush (aka the Rashaan Salaam of the South) instead of Brees.

5. Carson Palmer (86): You know, considering how many felons the Bengals have, this guy could get caught with a Thai hooker & blitzed off an entire bottle of Bourbon, and he'd still be closest thing to Sainthood on that team.

Now here's where the fun begins....

6. (Tie) Matt Cassel (81): ARE YOU F*$%#@* SERIOUS?! HOW THE F*#$@ DOES A GUY WHO HAS SPENT ALL OF HIS CAREER UNTIL LAST YEAR AS A BENCHWARMER GET RANKED 6th IN THE ENTIRE F*&$#@^ NFL?! Ok, yes the guy had good stats last year, but remember he had the best O-line in the game protecting him, and 2 Pro-Bowlers to throw to (and before anyone makes the argument for Brady having the same luxuries, Cassel sure as shit isn't capable of throwing 50 TDs and only 8 Ints in a season like Brady did). Let's just give a run-down of the QBs who are better than (yet ranked below) the guy who wasn't even good enough to beat out Matt Leinart at USC:

Donovan McNabb, Kurt Warner, Jay Cutler, Philip Rivers, Tony Romo (this is big of me to say, because I really can't stand the guy), Matt Ryan, Aaron Rodgers.

6.(Tie) Elisha Manning (81): I've called him overrated before, but I think he's become a pretty reliable QB. I think his improbable Super Bowl win has got a lot of people overestimating him, but I wouldn't put him out of the top 10.

8. (Tie) Brett Favre (80): Favre is a first-ballot HOF lock, but in the past few seasons he's had more picks than ?uestlove from the Roots. I sincerely doubt that he still has the ability to put up the kind of numbers he used to. I can guarantee that at least four of the QBs ranked below him will have a better season...oh and I look forward to him making the Bear's DBs look like Pro-bowlers two times this year.

8. (Tie) Donovan McNabb (80): Catholic League What-What! Although McNabb went to my rival HS, I have to give him some props. If he can stay healthy and out of trouble with his new buddy on the depth chart, I think McNabb & the Eagles can make a pretty good playoff run.

8. (Tie) Kurt Warner (80): Jesus will keep Warner safe. He (like many other old people) has some hip problems, but I believe that he still has at least one good year left in the tank...although he's probably more likely to want to stay home now that his wife looks like this:

Instead of this:

(Note: I realize that Brenda Warner has dealt with unfortunate health problems in the past, but I've been told she kept that look for a while after they were addressed and treated. Trust me, I'm not that big of an asshole.)

8. (Tie) Joe Flacco (80): No way in hell should he be ranked this high, plain and simple...also, the guy is a millionaire, ditch the unibrow Bert.

12. Tony Ho, er, Romo (79): EPIC FAIL...yet still better than Cassel and Flacco, and I do have to admit the guy has balls for dumping Jessica Simpson like a day before her birthday.

(I know Romo is out of the top 10. I just wanted an excuse to post that picture)

16. (Tie) Jay Cutler (75): This is why I'm agreeing with the previous post about ESPN hating Cutler. The guy had a great year at Denver last year. Was it Jay's fault that they had a dog-shit defense? No. Did he throw for 4,526 yards, 25 TDs, a QB rating of 86, and was voted into the Pro-Bowl. Yes. So tell me why the hell he's ranked below Cassel, Flacco, and even JASON F&(*#@$* CAMPBELL (15)?! I know his receiving corps isn't the same here, but he's got a helluva lot more potential and pure talent than most QBs in this league. Plus he does it all while having Diabetes, so take that less talented QBs whose bodies produce insulin the way they're supposed to!

Honorable mention to several QBs who are better than some of the people ranked above them:

13. Matt Ryan, 14. Philip Rivers, 18. Aaron Rodgers, 23. Chad Pennington

Tomorrow: Running Backs, see you then!