Tuesday, July 15, 2014

My Semi-Humble Lesson on Soccer

Well, it appears as though I got robbed. For a little bit, it looked like I was going to enjoy the prominence I deserve. It looked like Argentina was going to win the World Cup.

However, the German's cheated and won 1-0 in extra time. That's okay. I still reigned supreme in the Group Stage, and I was a cheating German away from taking the whole damn thing. Essentially, I had the most dominant team. I think that's undeniable. I'll just take the whole sweep next time.

But, out of the generous nature of my own heart and my own innate desire to compete, I will give you guys some tips to take with you as you ponder how to stack up with me in four years time. So, without further adieu, here are five tips to live by:

1) Be Me: This one is simple. You have to be me. If you aren't me, you're screwed.

2) Pick the Best Teams: This one is also simple. Don't pick bad teams *Cough* Tim and Tim *Cough* The rest of you will struggle with this one unless, of course, the first tip is met.

3) Actually Do Some Research: This one goes out to Tim Transon. You picked the two teams who were clearly going to finish last in their respective brackets in rounds 3 and 4. Don't do that. That was stupid.

4) Don't Make a Retarded Pick Second Overall: Tim Fodor, you still had Argentina and Germany on the board, and you went with Spain. This was as bad as it gets. May God have mercy on your soul.

5) Be Me: If you aren't me, there is really no point. Sorry. You might as well just concede if you're not me. If you're not me, than the rest of these tips are really just moot.

So there you have it. The 5 essential tips to winning the World Cup pool... You know what? Screw it. I'll give you one more BONUS tip:

6) Don't Be STEVE NOFFKE: If you're Steve Noffke, I think we can pretty much all agree you're screwed. So, don't be him. If you are Steve, there may be some hope: Lobotomy.

In four years, I don't want to hear that my tips were for nothing. If you fail to read this, well, then that's on you. Goodluck!


  1. It's Every 4 Years Dumbass

    And I'm the one who needs the Lobotmy. Also FUCK YOU I won this thing 4 years ago dipshit

  2. Steve, you made my picks for me 4 years ago. That was a lucky win by you. Lucky in that I wasn't there to make the picks. Had I been, we all know how that would have turned out.

  3. What the fuck did I just read...

  4. You finished 2nd with the picks i made for you. So i picked the two best teams two years ago. You've only picked 1 good team 1 time.

    Also you suck at fantasy football.

  5. Steve, again, I wasn't there to pick 4 years ago. Had I been, I would have won.

    And fantasy football? Seriously? I kicked your ass in REAL football. You know, the sport that 3.5 billion people love?